Heart's Desire Ch 8

Chapter 8

“Now Mr. Northman if you are ready, we will see about getting you out of this plaster.”

I recognized Dr. Comstock’s voice when I came in the room. They had already removed the traction device and Dr. Comstock and two residents were preparing to cut away the casts from Eric’s legs. I got Eric’s attention and motioned to him that I was going to wait outside while they finished their work.

“No, wait Sookie.” Eric said motioning me to come over to the bed.

I took the hand that he had extended and laid it back down by his side and patted it gently. “Its fine Eric, I’ll just wait outside until they’re all done.”

He took my hand and held it in his. “Please. Stay.” I studied his face for a moment wondering at first if he might be a little nervous, but instead he stared at the doctors with nothing but anticipation waiting for them to proceed.

After several minutes, all the plaster and casting materials had been removed and the debris cleared away, Dr. Comstock spoke.

“OK, Mr. Northman we are going to wait just a little while before putting your braces on and let your legs get some exposure to the air. It is imperative that you not try to move them at all. Do you understand?”

Eric nodded.

“I’m sure the first thing you are going to want to do is scratch them since they have been covered for so long, but resist the urge to move them to do this. I will talk to the nurses about having someone come in to get them cleaned up for you and apply some moisturizing lotion before the braces are applied, that may help with the itching.”

“Dr. Comstock is that something Ms. Stackhouse could help me with.” Eric asked looking back and forth between me and the doctor. Wait, what? Me? Why?

“Sure,” he replied, “I see no reason why not, if it’s something she feels comfortable with. Just be very careful Ms. Stackhouse and remember not to bend his leg in any way. Any movement must from the hip not the knees. We need to keep those knees immobile just a little while longer until he has had proper conditioning.”

“I understand doctor. I will be very careful.” I replied trying to disguise my shock at Eric’s request.

“Well, I will be back later to check on you and apply your braces. Enjoy the air while you can Mr. Northman.” He smiled before leaving the room.

Once we were alone, Eric asked. “You don’t mind do you? I mean I’m sorry I put you on the spot like that, but …”

I had regained my composure by now and he was stammering so I thought I would put him out of his misery.

“Eric, its fine. I don’t mind, you know I will do anything you need me to do.”

Eric lifted one eyebrow and grinned at my response. Oh, I see what kind of mood we are in today. Well, game on!

“Now” I began digging through my purse. “Which would you prefer, Cherry Blossom or Coconut Lime Verbena?” I said holding the two bottles of lotion I retrieved from my purse.

“Stackhouse, you wouldn’t!” I ignored his complaint and let him stew for a few minutes while I proceeded to gather a wash cloth and basin from the cabinet hoping my actions would not betray my nerves.

“It’s ok if you can’t decide; we’ll use one today and the other the next time. How does that sound?”

“Sookie Stackhouse, I don’t care if my legs dry up to dust you are not putting that floweredy shit on me!”

“Relax Northman, don’t get your boxers or briefs in a bunch, I’m sure the hospital has a bottle of ‘Eau de Testosterone’ back there somewhere.”

“I’m not wearing boxers or briefs.” Yikes! OK Stackhouse, quick think of anything besides him just sportin’ a sheet. Grocery list! That’s good. Milk, eggs, sugar…

“OK, you win. TMI!”

It only took a few minutes to get his legs cleaned up and towel dried. Afterward I went down the hall and located a more suitable lotion. When I returned I began applying the lotion. Starting at his thighs seemed too intimate, so I thought starting at his feet and working my way up would be more appropriate. I poured a small amount of the lotion in my hands and rubbed them together in an attempt to warm it up a little. I gently touched both hands to his right foot and Eric let out a hiss. I removed my hands quickly.

“I’m sorry Eric, did I hurt you?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Oh, was the lotion still too cold? I tried to warm it some, but I guess not enough, huh?”

“No, it’s not that either.”

“Then what, what’s the problem?”

“It’s just been a long time since anyone’s hands were on my bare skin.” He stated hardly above a whisper.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forget that you have been laid up here for 5 or 6 weeks.”

“No, it’s been a lot longer than that.” His voice was still low and I looked at him to see if he was going to continue with his response, when it was obvious he was not, I asked, “do you want me to stop?”

“No.” He responded quickly. “Please continue.”

I poured more lotion in my hands and resumed. I gently rubbed his foot and continued up his leg to his calf, trying to be mindful of any movement of his leg around the knees as the doctor had warned. I rubbed his leg in small circles wanting to get as much lotion worked in to the skin as I could knowing he was probably going to be in those braces for quite some time. Carefully I placed one hand under his leg just above his ankle and lifted it just slightly to give the underside of his calf attention. Even with hair on his legs, his skin was smooth to the touch; the only blemishes were from several small but healed scars that looked too new not to have happened in the accident. It struck me that even with the scars, his legs looked as if they were sculpted from stone; I was looking at perfection, no scratch that, I was touching perfection. I gingerly began to work around his knee and his lower thigh. I was careful to keep the sheet strategically placed to avoid any exposure. When my hand moved to the inside of his thigh, I swore I heard Eric moan. I held still for a moment to try to decipher the sound the irony not escaping me that the sounds for pleasure and for pain were very similar.

“Please Sookie, don’t stop.” His eyes were closed and voice was low and husky. Bread, ketchup, toilet paper…

“Are you sure, I don’t want to hurt you?” OK, I admit it I was enjoying the fact that I was having this effect on him so I couldn’t resist the urge to make him beg a little.

“Trust me, pain could not be further from what I am feeling right now.” Is someone messing with the thermostat in here?

“You’ll let me know when you’ve had enough?”

“Never.” He mumbled.

I was glad his eyes were still closed and he could not see the flush of red in my cheeks. I wasn’t sure where this sudden confidence was coming from, but I was enjoying it. I’m not a particularly affectionate person; it’s not that I avoid touching people but my nature has never been very ‘touchy feely’. I was never the kind of girl to greet her family or friends with a hug. I didn’t shy away if someone wanted to hug me, but it always felt too awkward or forced for me to initiate it. Any number of doctors would probably attribute this trait on the early deaths of my parents, but I think the walls were built long before that.

I was finishing up with his other leg when the physical therapist came in with the braces. I was surprised to see how late it had gotten, time flies when you’re touching a god, since it was almost time for lunch, I decided to go pick up something to eat while they put them on.

“I’m going to go get lunch, OK?”

“You’ll be back?” Whether it was vulnerability or excitement that had him so insecure today I could not be sure.

“Unless you’re going to meet me there.” I joked while grabbing my keys.

“Sure. I’ll be the sexy one in the hospital gown.” He grinned. Yes you will!

When I got back to the room it was hard to believe the difference. Eric was able to sit up completely no longer having to be semi reclined. I know it sounds strange, but it was a little startling to see him from this angle. Although he was clearly still somewhat immobile he no longer looked like a patient. He looked like…well…a man! And a damn good looking one! I couldn’t help but blush a little when I saw him.

“Well hello Sexy, come here often?” I said trying to recover.

“Everyday.” He grinned.

We chatted comfortably over lunch discussing favorite books, music and arguing over movies.

“No damn way! Sookie you must be high, you know Sean Connery was the best Bond.”

“I would have agreed with you until Daniel Craig came along but now I’m sorry Northman, he bumped Connery out of the top spot.

“Well, we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one.”

“That’s fine. I don’t have a problem admitting when you’re wrong.” He just shook his head smiling.

I cleared away the lunch trash and walked back to the bedside and sat down. His face got serious as he stared out the window for a moment.

“You want to talk now don’t you?” He said softly without looking my direction.

“You did promise.”

“I know.”

“Eric, I’m not going to make you talk, if you don’t want to, fine.”

“No. I am a man of my word. I told you I would try. What do you want to know?”

“Well, how about things like where you’re from or you can tell me about your family. Why don’t you start with whatever is easiest for you?”

“Easiest? Right. OK well, I was born in Shreveport, but spent several years in Boston. I moved back to Shreveport just a few years ago. And as far as my family goes,” he paused for a moment. “Sookie, don’t know any of this stuff already?” He asked with a quizzical look.

“No. How would I?” I thought he was implying that Amelia may have revealed some personal information to me but he seemed surprised by my response.

“You’ve not heard anything about me or my family or the accident? Or seen anything in the news?”

Ego much? OK I can handle a little arrogance, but this was getting a bit much.

“No Eric, did you get injured while robbing a bank or in some mob hit or something?” I said with a little more sarcasm that I intended.

“No, nothing like that. I’m just surprised a little, that’s all. Anyway…” He continued in a low, somber voice. “I lived in Shreveport until my parents died when I was 12. Pam, my older sister, was in Boston finishing up her freshman year of college when we got the news. Following the funeral she took the next semester off, moved out of the dorms, got an apartment, came home packed me up and took me to Boston. Both of our parents were only children and their parents died several years earlier. I never even knew my mother’s parents because they died before I was born. So it was literally just me and Pam then. Even with our age difference, Pam and I had always been close but what she did for me went beyond the love a sister. She completely put her life on hold to raise me.”

It was obvious this was distressing for him to talk about. His beautiful blue eyes were reflecting nothing but pain and hurt. I wanted to so badly to make the pain go away. I couldn’t prevent the tears from falling, he reached over and took my hand in his and squeezed it, letting me know that he was going to continue.

“Pam never dated; all she did was study and take care of me. I guess all the time we spent studying paid off because I was able to finish high school early and I began my freshman year of college the year after she graduated. We remained in Boston until I finished school and then we returned to Shreveport to assume our roles in the family company.”

He closed his eyes and laid his head back on the pillow. I was unsure if he was finished or just thinking about what to say next. After a few moments, I broke the silence.

“Eric, where is Pam? Why has she not been here for you?” I tried to make my tone as non accusatory as possible, but frankly it was pissing me off that he was here going through all of this alone. Just because he was grown now did not mean that he didn’t still need his family, the only family he had left, with him while he recovered. I couldn’t imagine any fight or disagreement Jason and I could have that couldn’t be put aside if one of us were in Eric’s shoes.

I looked at Eric and tears began to fall down his cheeks. I took my hand and placed it on top of our other entwined hands and gently squeezed. Obviously her absence was painful for him and it was breaking my heart. I sat there and cried with him for what seemed like an eternity. He began to speak again barely above a whisper.

“She died in the accident.” Oh, my God no! I couldn’t take it any more. I stood up and sat on the edge of his bed and grabbed him and pulled him to me. He wrapped his arms around me and laid his head on my shoulder. He held me so tightly I was barely able to breathe, but I would have gladly died right there if it would put him out of the pain he was in. We stayed like that for several minutes, rocking gently back and forth on the bed neither one of us willing to let go of the other.

“Eric, I am so, so sorry.” I said when I was finally able to speak again.

Eric pulled back from me, closed his eyes and laid his head back on his pillow again.

“Sookie, I don’t deserve your sympathy. It was my fault. It’s my fault she’s gone.”

“I don’t understand; what kind of accident was this?”

“We were on the way to the office when we collided with another car.”

“I see. And you were driving?”

“No.” He said without further explanation.

“Then I don’t understand. How was it your fault?”

“She would not have been in the car if it were not for me. It’s my fault she was in the car!”

“Eric, I’m not trying to upset you, but I don’t understand how this is your fault. Tell me what happened that night.”

He closed his eyes again and laid his head back on the pillow. I did not move from my spot on the side of the bed. I took his hands and held them in my lap.

“As I said, Pam had put her life on hold for me. She had helped raise me; got me through college and when we returned to Shreveport she and I put all of our energies into expanding the company so she never really had a social life until recently. While on a business trip last year, she met a man and started dating. Bill lived in New York so for months it was a long term relationship, but they would see each other as often as their schedules allowed. Our company continued to grow and we decided the timing was right to open an office in New York and Pam planned to move there to oversee that venture. In light of that, Bill proposed and he and Pam were to be married this summer.”

“The accident happened the day before Pam and Bill were to leave for New York. We had thrown a huge engagement party for them to share their news before heading to the East coast. Pam had found out earlier that morning that she was pregnant and she and Bill were ecstatic. Pam is…” He stopped. “was several years older than me, so they didn’t want to wait too long before starting their family.” He took several moments to compose himself taking his hand out of my lap to wipe his eyes, and then returning it to where it was. I smiled internally at that.

“She was so beautiful that night.” He said, while tears quietly escaped his eyes. “I could not imagine her happier than she was at that moment. The party was perfect, what we were short on in family was more than compensated for in the number of colleagues and old classmates that attended. When the party was over, I knew Pam was leaving the next day and I had not seen the final plans for the new office yet. Since my schedule for the next day was full, I talked them in to taking a detour by the office rather than going straight home. We were two block from the office when a car ran through the intersection and smashed into the limo. Pam and Bill were up close to the driver’s end of the vehicle when the accident happened and they, as well as the driver, were killed instantly.” He paused again. “You see, it was my fault! This was her time. Her turn to live and be happy and I took that away from her! She and Bill would have never have been in the car going that direction if I had just let them go home and celebrate.” Once more the sobs overtook him. I pulled him to me and held him, my heart breaking for the pain and misguided guilt he was feeling.

I knew this feeling, I recognized this pain. I had been there myself with the death of my own parents. I knew the guilt of making the request that resulted in the loss of loved ones. I pulled back from him to see his face.

“Eric, look at me.” I waited for him to open his eyes. “I know how bad you’re hurting right now, but this was not your fault. You were not to blame for their deaths.”

“Sookie I don’t expect you to understand. But believe me this was all my fault. Pam would still be here if I had just cancelled one damn meeting!”

“I do understand, I know exactly how you are feeling right now, but it was not you fault. The only one possibly to blame is the other driver.”

“You don’t know what I am feeling right now. Look Sookie, I know it’s your nature to want to fix things but you can’t fix this. You couldn’t possibly understand this.” I know he didn’t mean for the words to hurt, but that didn’t stop their sting.

“Eric Northman do you honestly believe you have cornered the market on grief? Do you think you are the only one that has suffered loss?” I snapped. His face shot around to look at me with his eyes wide with disbelief at my reaction.

“It was a rainy night when my parents died. I was 5 and had been begging them for hours to let me go and spend the night with my grandmother. Jason, my brother, was staying at a friend’s house and I wanted to go somewhere too. They agreed to let me go visit her so they dropped me off on their way in to town to eat dinner. After leaving Gran’s house they were crossing the old bridge, when the river suddenly crested, the bridge collapsed and the car was swept away.” I began to cry as the feeling of loss came back again. “I felt the same way you do now; I believed it was my fault. That I had caused their deaths.”

“But that’s ridiculous Sookie; you couldn’t have known the bridge was going to collapse.”

“And you couldn’t have known that a driver was going to run through the intersection like that.”

“But they were in the car because of me, me and my selfishness.”

“I can say the same thing. My parents would not have been on the bridge had I not asked them to take me to Gran’s house.” I let what I was saying sink in a little.

“Look, I know you’re in pain. Pam obviously loved you very much and gave up a lot of things to make sure you were loved and cared for. But by the way you describe her; I doubt she saw these as sacrifices at all. And I know without ever having met her that she would not want you blaming and punishing yourself for her death. If you owe her anything it’s to live your life and be as happy and successful as you can possibly be. I don’t know of a better way to honor your sister than that.”

This time it was Eric who grabbed me and pulled me to him.

We stayed there holding each other for what seemed to be an eternity. I knew all of his guilt and pain was not going to go away just as a result of our conversation; but he had opened up to me. He was not nearly as “broken” as he thought. Lost yes, broken no.

It was getting late and the day had been mentally exhausting but Eric had not released his grip on me. I shifted slightly, getting a little uncomfortable in my position. Eric reached for the controls and lowered the head of the bed. He tightened his grip on me and pulled me up on the bed along side of him so that I was laid by his side. I laid there in his arms until sleep threatened to overcome me. I tried to pull away to leave and his arms tightened around me.

“Stay. Please?”

TBC